His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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