just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
