hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
