drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
