My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
