The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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