so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
