I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
