He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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