Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
