My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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