Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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