If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
