i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
