Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
