Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
