Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
