Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
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Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
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I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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