Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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