I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Can you bring me the toilet please
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
