I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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