i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
