so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
