wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
