I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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