i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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