Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
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I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
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Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize