Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
