Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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