don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
don't judge my taste in strippers
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
