dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
