I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
