he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
it's not cheating when I paid for it
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Randomize
