i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
