I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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