Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
