I haven't been this sober since birth.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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