I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
