just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
