Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
