i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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