Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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