Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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