Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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