thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
