is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
