There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
