I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
