allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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