If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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