ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
i think i just lost a toe
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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