she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
The beer is more important than you right now.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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