I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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