The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
