I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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