All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
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She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
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I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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