Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Randomize
