i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
